Thursday, May 17, 2018

2 Day's Worth of My Thoughts

So one of the Inner Temple of Witchcraft’s exercises is to write three pages a day. Problem number one: I don’t write by hand anymore. Makes my hand cramp. Problem number two: blogger doesn’t do pages. They don’t even do word count. Solution: use Google Docs, as it does pages and word count. Three pages should be about 1350 words, I think.

The biggest issue, however, is what in the bloody hell do I write about? I can’t think of anything that I would want or need to say. I understand that it’s important to jot down your experiences...but I feel like writing three pages a day would be nothing but filler fluff. So how do I solve this problem? I have no idea. Maybe just journal the experiences themselves?

I feel bad because I haven’t done anything in relation to the exercises since the beginning of April, at the earliest, though more likely late March. I need to try and do my Earth Walk at some point and write down that experience, now that the weather is nicer. The hardest part, of course, is the motivation to do any of it. I hate that I have a triple threat diagnosis that prevents me from enjoying most things. I don’t remember what, if any, time in my life where I wasn’t suffering from it. I was diagnosed at 7 years of age and it’s been a bitch. Also, I don’t remember much from before that time, so take that into account.

Ramble, ramble, ramble. I’m done, for now - at a loss for what to do or what to talk about, even if a conversation were to strike up in Telegram or guild Discord. I feel like even if I screamed out ‘Help Me’, there would be very few that would know how - maybe even very few that would care, I don’t know.

I just know that I’m unmotivated and guilty for procrastinating on something I set out to try and do years ago.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Just Rambling

So where do I begin?

I stopped doing the daily tarot and selfies. I believe I explained that over here. In short, I felt like I was doing it for nothing. I had grabbed this app to start tracking some daily habits, and this app to track my mood daily, in efforts to not only better myself, but to better be able to tell my therapist how I've been doing. Then, my phone died and I had to get a replacement, thus losing my twenty plus day streak in the mood tracker. I started all over again, and am presently sitting on a sixteen day streak on both apps; though admittedly, I'm not doing the greatest with some of the habits I am trying to form.

I am presently in physical therapy, due to some pain I was having in my leg. As it turns out, I have a rotated pelvis, and they are trying to correct this. Shortly after the appt where the doctor prescribed physical therapy and sometime before I started the actual therapy, my back started being in pain regularly, which is something I am not used to. It's been a challenge to do some of the things I am used to doing without getting into some serious pain.

Roleplaying with friends is picking back up slightly, and we're gaming as their schedules allow, which is nice. The one on one reboot of my Willow Creek setting with my husband has sputtered - I don't want to play it anymore, though I've talked him into running something for just he and I that I hope we can start soonish.

World of Warcraft became interesting again. I did some rep grinding to unlock the new Alliance allied races. To my surprise, the next expansion became available for pre-order, so I pre-ordered for both my husband and myself, and as a wonderful bonus the allied races became playable. I have a Lightforged Draenei Paladin I haven't started yet, so she's still sitting at 20. I have a Void Elf Warlock who I have been playing, and she's at 41. I used my free character boost to boost my Pandaren Monk to 110 - I was originally thinking a mage, but honestly...I hate playing the mage class.

Off and on for a little while I've been kind of in a writing mood, but with no more Willow Creek I don't really have any ideas. I've been skunked for ideas on non-rp related writing for a long time now, so sometimes that kinda of makes me feel useless in a creative sense. I know it's not true, but it is still difficult for me. I used to write a lot more. Hell, I used to just plain do a lot  more. So I don't write as much, don't read, don't color, don't really watch much of anything...I'm just kind of a lump, making it day by day. Stupid depression. Why can't I be motivated? *sigh*

I'm planning in the near future here to get some statues of my detites, so that I can have representations to pray/offer to. It might help. In case it's been forgotten, my patrons are Cernunnos, Ariahnrhod, Morrigan, and Brighid - head here and follow the links if you need/want to know what they govern. Wolf is also my spirit animal, and I'm trying to decide if it would be better to pay homage to  him by having a statue, or by having a tattoo on my left shoulder. I think I am leaning more towards the tattoo than the statue, but I would appreciate input from my friends. I think my reasoning for tat over statue are that it would make me feel closer to my spirit animal/guide.

I think that's all for now. Please get back with input? Thanks :)

Saturday, January 27, 2018


What I want to say relates somewhat to what I posted here. Namely, the fact that I need/crave feedback. Recently I did a rambling vent on my main Facebook account about the frustrations of my secondary account and the fact that I am debating on deleting it entirely because no one bothers to engage with me. At least, not unless I tag or respond to someone else's post.

It's very frustrating, and that's kind of the trap of social media for me. It's out there, for whomever you've selected for it to see (depending on service). It's designed to gain reactions or, at the very least, comments. Not getting those reactions or comments is like a psychological blow to one's self-esteem. That's my case, at least.

In the case with my secondary account, it's especially rough because that's strictly an account for me to engage with family members. It's stupid, really....there's my Dad's side of the family, which has always made me feel like I was an outcast because I have nothing even remotely in common with any of them. Then you have my mom's side (and stepdad's family). My step-siblings don't engage with me, and I don't with them. Again, nothing in common. I used to be close to my one cousin, but we haven't spoken since my grandmother's funeral like, twelve years ago, despite me trying to reach out to her every once in a while.

It sucks to be ignored by people you're related to. And I can't deal with that anymore, so I'm likely to delete that account. Then there is the question of how to stay in contact with the only person who does talk to me on a semi-regular basis via messenger, and that's my mom...but that's not necessarily a positive thing all the time.

In other news, I am trying to improve myself. I am sick and tired of being depressed all the time, so I thought maybe making small changes to my habits might help. I got a habit tracker, and while there's only a few things on it, checking them off is still kind of gratifying (though I might try out this app rather than the one I am currently using). I'm three days in a row for some of them, which is a feat for me, admittedly.

Why is it a feat? Depression saps your energy, drive, motivation, self-esteem and self-care. Eventually you stop being interested in almost anything (or anything at all, in some cases). That's the case with me, generally. So I'm trying to improve myself, a little at a time.

I'm going to stop this post now before it can get me all worked up in some way or another, and spend some cuddle time with my husband.

Sunday, January 07, 2018

No Ideas For A Title

Please note that during this post, it's theoretically possible that I will seem down on myself - I'm not particularly trying to be; I'm just trying to put things into my perspective.

I don't really post here as much as I probably ought. A journal/blog/whatever can be a good way to express frustrations and get things out there - this is something I agree with. However, I am apparently the sort of person that craves/needs feedback or I don't bother. I'm coming to realize this more fully.

For example, my friend Tegan inspired me to re-start my "Selfie of the Day" and "Tarot of the Day". For a while, I did this, as you can see in previous posts. But then I skipped a day here or there. Then I quit posting them altogether. As you can see, I haven't posted anything for about eight days or so now. I'll get into the reasons behind it. Bear in mind, I know it's mainly emotional thinking, and that logically I should probably know better. But it's not that easy.

  • "Selfie of the Day" - This one is difficult. I don't like having my picture taken normally. As a general rule, I feel more or less okay with myself and how I look. Sometimes I think I look good, or even *gasp!* sexy. But then I see myself in a pic that was taken of me, or see myself in the mirror, and I hate what I see. Yet I never seem to have the motivation/drive to do anything about it. Right now though I'd settle for my hair growing in faster - I miss my ponytail. 
  • "Tarot of the Day" - Suffice to say, I am not confident in my diving skill, so I rely on other sources to translate what I draw. I am also very poorly skilled at shuffling, so I'm never sure I'm getting the "right" card. I started using one app to translate, and while I think it's good, it's also wordy. I added a second app to the mix, which is more brief, but similar. I also used the booklet that came with my deck to translate, and it's short and sweet. But...I get no feedback. I don't know why I feel like I need feedback for a tarot card, but apparently, I do. I guess so I can try and get opinions on what exactly it might be trying to tell me, because I am never really sure. 
So there you have it, as far as that goes. The feedback thing is also true for Facebook. Even though I rarely post there, I like acknowledgement that it has at least been seen, if not commented on. Lack of feedback is likely what leads me to barely post. I guess at this point I just have my accounts to follow other people. That's what's largely on my mind at present that I feel I need to get off my chest. 

Oh...and before I forget, I want to post this here:

Original credit goes to user doggles on imgur. Although it's come to my attention that this app does essentially the same thing. Eh, I thought it was a neat thing to do to try and gauge your moods. Stuff like that helps a therapist out when trying to help you. 

By this point, I've gotten distracted from anything else I might have wanted to say, though presently I can't think of anything I might have wanted to say anyway. 

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Tarot of the Day - The Hanged Man

Deck: Anne Stokes Legends Tarot
Interpretation: Galaxy Tarot Pro

Keywords: surrender, new perspective, waiting, sacrifice, release

Description: The Hanged Man is a card of patience, contemplation and sacrifice.

The greatest benefit will be had when you are able to let go. Don't try to control the present situation. Try to make peace with uncertainty.

Take time to observe your environment and situation from a new perspective. Review what has come before. Notice the blessings that came out of hardship. it is a good time to look at past Tarot readings and journal writings in the new light of the present.

A sacrifice may be required now in order to move forward.

Now is a time to get in touch with the spiritual aspects of yourself.

Alternate Interpretation: Golden Thread Tarot

Keywords: sacrifice, release, martyrdom

Description: Though the hanged man is swinging upside down, the serenity of his expression seems to communicate that he is doing this of his own free will. The hanged man understands the value of self-sacrifice. One must take a step backward to move ahead.

Alternate Interpretation: Anne Stokes Legends Tarot Booklet

A sacrifice is said to bring eventual reward and still she waits. The understanding is to be born anew. And in being so, allow us to see our failings from a new perspective. By such surrender would we shine with the glory of divine awareness?

The Hanged Man represents the spirit of renunciation and sacrifice.

Normal Position: Life in suspension, transition, apathy and dullness, boredom, abandonment, sacrifice, repentance, readjustment, regeneration, improvement, surrender